Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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