Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
