Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
