i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This is classic penis vs brain.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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