cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
