How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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