She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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