If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
where are you?
Hypothermia
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Houston, we have a blender
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
