oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
