If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
