you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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