They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
what day is it and did you see me today?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
