All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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