How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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