My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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