Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
