i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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