i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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