I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
