shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
