So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
