If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
