The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
