Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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