remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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