he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
