i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
