saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
