puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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