drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
