You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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