A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
