This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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