when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
