So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
