I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
