I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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