Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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