he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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