if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
