I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
