He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
