I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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