I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
only if we run a train.
done.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
