Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
