i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
