Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
