new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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