I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
