This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize