george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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