i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
