How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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