we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
