I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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