Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Randomize