I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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