Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
