My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
