Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
