Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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