Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
