is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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