They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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